I ran into a girl I used to be friends with after work on Friday. Yes, there is quite a bit of back-story here. See, this girl and I were friends during the summer before our first year in graduate school. She was, at the time, one of those “enlightened” non-judge-y and fairly modern thinking Catholics. We hung out a lot. And then she dated my mentor and friend Mark for about 3 weeks. And then she broke up with him in the mature fashion of a pre-schooler, meaning she one day just decided to stop acknowledging his existence. Not only that, she had ditched her boyfriend of 3 years to be with Mark in the first place – after her boyfriend had moved all the way down to Austin to be with her. And after tossing Mark aside, she got back with her former flame….only to dump him again! Do you want to know how I knew this? Because her former boyfriend stalked down my email address and desperately emailed me to ask me what was happening BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHE HAD GONE AND DONE THE EXACT SAME IGNORE-HIM-LIKE-SHE-NEVER-KNEW-HIM THING TO HIM THAT SHE HAD JUST DONE TO MARK! When I pressed her on it, out of concern for everyone – her acting like an 8 year old and the poor fellas who cared about her, she told me that she didn’t think she needed to justify her actions to anyone. That’s when I decided she was a selfish b*tch, and she hasn’t done anything in the subsequent 5 years to make me think otherwise. She has, however, become more Catholic since she married an uber-catholic guy last year, and gotten more judge-y, and self-righteous, and the only reason I’ve remained cordial with her is that we have some mutual friends. Well, actually, we *had* some mutual friends. But they’ve all since moved away now.
Every time in the past year that I’ve run into this chick, she has asked me when I’m getting married, and every time, I’ve told her we’ll get married sometime after I graduate and we have enough money to have a wedding. This time was no different, except rather than ask me when I was getting married, she asked me if I had gotten married yet. I played nice and went back to my table. Some time after, I saw her get up to make her way around the bar saying goodbye to people she knew. I realized that she would have to come by my table on her way to the door, and that’s when I decided to say the meanest words one can say to a graduate student. Now, if you know me, you probably know that I lack tact to an enormous degree, to the point where I can seem like quite a b*tch myself. But it isn’t intentional; I’m just assertive and forthcoming and lack a filter. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did something intentionally b*tchy. So that made this time particularly special. This was premeditated b*tchiness, and I was going to enjoy every second of it.
The moment arrived when she came by my table to say ‘goodbye’ and I made my move:
“Hey,” I said, feigning interest and a smile, “when are you going to graduate?”
When you’re b*tchy and you know it, clap your hands [clap clap]!
In case you don’t know, it is a huge faux pas to ask a graduate student when they are going to graduate. It is just something that you don’t do! Furthermore, this girl was my year in graduate school, which means she is in her 6th year now. I can only imagine how miserable a 6th year would be; I was incredibly bitter and angry and fed up and ready to leave throughout my 5th year.
She told me she was planning to graduate in May.
Then I put the coup d’etat on my b*tch move. “Wow,” I said,” that’s great. I can’t believe it’s been almost 6 years since we started. I’m sure you’re looking forward to finishing up – it feels really good to be done!”
When you’re b*tchy and you know it, and you really wanna show it, when you’re b*tchy and you know it, clap your hands!
She might have read into my intent, in fact, I’m almost certain she did, because I was breaking every law of common grad student decency all in one sitting. And since we’re the same class, it’s not like I can pretend that I don’t know how rude I was being: having already graduated and unsympathetically asking a 6th year when they’ll be done. But honeybadger don’t care! She treated my mentor like garbage and has been rubbing the fact that she’s married in my face for the past year. Usually, when my b*tchiness offends someone, I do feel bad and ashamed of my behavior. But if she were to ask me why I was so mean to her, I would have no problem telling her exactly why I said what I did.
[clap!clap!]
