” (Note: In honor of Billy Mays, every email I send today will be in all capital letters.)

I THOUGHT WE HAD A 24 HOUR NEWS CYCLE NOW.  I TURNED ON CNN THIS MORNING HOPING TO MAYBE SEE SOME ANALYSIS OF THAT STUPID CAP-AND-TAX BILL OR WHAT WE’RE DOING IN RESPONSE TO NORTH KOREA’S PEA SHOOTER THAT’S AIMED AT MY HEAD AND INSTEAD THEY’RE SPECULATING OVER THE CONTENTS OF MICHAEL JACKSON’S WILL.  WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THAT?  UNLESS HE LEFT ME THE BEATLES CATALOGUE, I’M NOT ALL THAT INTERESTED.  WHEN IT ENDED AND THEY MOVED ON TO SOME SEMI-ACTUAL NEWS ABOUT SOME POOR GUY WHO’S GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE MILITARY BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID BIGOTED DON’T ASK DON’T TELL ABOMINATION BUT THEN THEY CUT OUT OF IT FOR……. MICHAEL JACKSON NEWS.

CHRIST, THAT STORY IS SO LAST WEEK.”